So I heard ‘Into the woods’ is actually a musical?

"It's not quite what I expected" YOU DON'T SAY!

“It’s not quite what I expected”

I’m sorry, I’m sorry for being a little late on this one, because, well I was busy with all sort of things and since I was doing it while singing out every single word I thought of, it took quite a while. Especially since people I met tended to, somehow, think I was a complete freak.

Okay. It might have something to do with the fact that I arbor a giant penis shaped flag strapped to my back, which could be good if Edo era samurai decided to have a gay pride, or it might have something to do with me looking completely normal until I blurt out a badly harmonized vocalization on the theme of not having loose change, which could be good never. Beats me.

I did try to convince everyone that I wouldn’t sing though. I was actually amazed by how easy it was, since in general people don’t do that. I just had to hiccup a ‘yes’ in C and follow up with an ‘of course’ in G and, in case of emergencies, go full second minor.

Then there was this time when I broke a wind after the ‘of course’, it was in F and everybody noticed since, in general, people don’t fart in harmony. Or rarely, you never really know.

I was told that, in fact, had I chosen a stage and maybe an open mic night in a joint that barely exists, I would have had better chance of being… how did they put that? Accepted? No… punched in the rectum! That’s how they put it. And it hurts a bit now.

But I digress, I’m not there to tell you how I pretended not to sing and ended up pretending to be all of Ireland and a choir of yodeling vikings with bagpipes. I’m here to tell you how much it sucks when movies do that.

Don’t get me wrong, being a musical doesn’t automatically make a movie turn sour, I’ve never heard a transformer sing and they’re still dropping 50 IQ point with each sequel, which tells me that at this rate the next cast will entirely be composed of Casio calculators.

What gets me is the dishonesty of the whole thing. Starting with Sweeny Todd, it seems that, up there in Hollywood someone has inhumed a cheap opera singer spin off, ground the skeleton to dust and mixed it with some producer’s honest to god cocaine. I mean coffee, it’s also nice when inhaled and the nosebleed makes you not sing.

So I’m imagining all the decision-maker types on a Java beans and German bones binge, trying to make sense of their decision.

Executive 1: Well, you know people complain that movies aren’t innovative enough. So, you know, we gave them Cinderella and the 7 Gollums

Executive 2: Yes, okay, but isn’t the public rather familiar with these stories?

Executive 1: Oh but this time they sing!

Executive 2: You mean like in an old school Disney?

Executive 1: No, no, THEY JUST DON’T STOP SINGING!

Executive 2: But won’t that be boring when they sing all the mundane lines and the usual banter?

Executive 1: YES! UTTERLY! That’s why we have 3 spoken lines in the movie, JUST FOR THE TRAILER!

Executive 2: Isn’t it a tad decept…

Executive 1: SQUIRREL!

At this point I imagine that Executive 1 jumps out of a closed window, and forgetting that the meeting was held on the ground floor just comes back to the table and silently eat a donut. I’m not very creative, bite me.

Now that’s the result, enjoy the trailer.

Notice something? Yup. It does seem that they actually say intelligible things at some point. This is an illusion, you’ve got a bad case of marketing. There’s no cure drink a lot of water and see you next week.
What’s funny is: Les Miserables, same thing, Sweeny Todd, same thing. Moulin Rouge, same thing.
They actually have loads of spoken lines in Moulin Rouge?

C               G           D

I’ll conclude with this saying: history is full of mistake, but trying to invade Russia in winter once is still a better move than making Jonny Depp sing twice.

See you later, I need to bring my Casio to a casting.


Danny Hefer

  Free roaming opinionist, Danny spends his free time roundhouse kicking life in the nuts and doing really weird startup thingies. Even if out of context it does sound kind of gross, Danny is the Lemon's daddy.

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