5 Really Neat Ways To Get Eggs


I tried to make it as diverse as I could. Please stop sending me hate mail.

“You like eggs?”
– You bet your ass I like eggs, it’s my favorite food in, like, the whole multiverse or some other semi-abstract representation of an infinite iteration of space-time!”

And that’s how Tim really got me thinking that I should do something about eggs. I was 11 years old and Tim was 15. He knew much more about life and abstract things like the multiverse or where vaginas are located in girls. He had to be right about eggs being awesome.

Now I am 34 years old. I haven’t completely wrapped my mind around complicated things like vaginas and I still regularly miss the point of it. I feel a bit ashamed about it. It generally goes away with the appropriate amount of lithium, which also makes the voice stop.

But now I know much more about eggs, I’ve dedicated most of my free time to studying them, and I am about to let you know about the best animal they should come from. I’ve tried insects, too, but the voice is not always nice to them, which is a shame, although now I know that they taste good when they don’t bite or sting your tongue, which is interesting. I think.

So without further ado here is my top 5 of what animal is better to invest in if you want tons of delicious eggs:

#5: Cows


It’s that one. Please make her go.

Lifespan: 18-22 years.
Eggs per lifespan: no.
Worth it: no.

Cows, I found, can be very cute, but I’ve failed to find any eggs in their nest. They also seem very protective of their youngs, that’s what the surgeon said after telling me that 27 stitches was still on the low end. Cows, I found, have horns that can get rather sharp.

#4: Birds that are not chickens


This one only sings about death.

Lifespan: 3 minutes to 40 years.
Eggs per lifespan: doesn’t count.
Worth it: no.

I got confused by birds. I learned that chickens are bird, too, and it doesn’t make sense: science says birds are small, cute flying creatures that sing beautiful songs about the first morning of spring (my favorite is “Fuck-off, this is my branch, also, have sex with me”). Chicken are uglier than my great uncle on the morning of his funeral wake, and they definitely would benefit from auto-tune, they don’t fly either. They have feathers but so do my great aunt’s hat, and as far as I know my great aunt isn’t a bird (she does nonetheless fulfill the requirement to qualify as a chicken).

That is to say, they don’t count. They confuse the hell out of me, I can never find their nest without falling from a rather great height and they don’t count. It not me who said it, it’s science.

#3: Rocks


I still wonder how they breed though.

Lifespan: yes.
Eggs per lifespan: Still working on it.
Worth it: depends.

I got many of those on my study shelves. Some try to fool you into thinking they ARE eggs (don’t eat them), but so far I haven’t seen a single real rock egg. They don’t eat much though, so you can try and see whether you get luckier than me.

#2: Female humans


I have no idea. But it’s very small so it doesn’t count.

Lifespan: 70 – infinite.
Eggs per lifespan: Around 500.
Worth it: too tedious.

Female humans (science calls them women), do something atrocious every now and then which  involves not calling it by its real name, being afraid of smelling bad, and a bucket of blood.

I never really understood why they do that, but that’s not like I’ve got many women around me besides Mother and my great aunt, and they were both old when I was born, except my great aunt who apparently is old enough to have patented the wheel (she should have done that, she wouldn’t be poor like that if she had). Anyway it is said that every time there’s blood it’s because the woman has laid an egg.

To be honest, female humans do much better than rocks, but I never seem to actually find the egg, which is said to be really small. Since female humans eat a lot more than rocks, too, they aren’t a good investment for egg farming.

#1: Male humans

manpainThat’s Dad when I asked him. Apparently the answer is
that I was adopted or something similar.

Lifespan: 70 – less than female humans
Eggs per lifespan: 2 (usually)
Worth it: No God no.

Male humans (science and I call them Dad) are hard to kill but still live shorter than women. Dad always says great-aunt is killing him but he never kick the bucket (that’s probably because the voice also lives in buckets, Dad is clever like that).

They have two eggs, I’m pretty scientific about it because I am a male human (but don’t call me Dad, it makes me feel uncomfortable and people who call me that are usually uncomfortable too, after they said it, I still have to understand this one).

Anyway, Dad has two eggs, I have two eggs, so male humans have two eggs.

The problem is that they never come off. Don’t try to take them off, it’s rather painful and it makes the surgeon say mean things about how the cow should have finished the job.


There is no viable animal which produces eggs as well as the factory, but a pet factory is really expensive to care for. Keep on buying instead of farming.

I hope this was useful. I always do useful things but I never get credit for it, like this time I cleaned Dad’s computer from inside out and this other time I chased away all the invisible beetles that were crawling on great-aunt. If this is useful please tell me, don’t be an ass about it. Thanks.


Danny Hefer

  Free roaming opinionist, Danny spends his free time roundhouse kicking life in the nuts and doing really weird startup thingies. Even if out of context it does sound kind of gross, Danny is the Lemon's daddy.

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